


no sugar, only cream

by deplore



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22795942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deplore/pseuds/deplore
Summary: What if....... Fire Emblem: Three Houses were a mediocre school life anime and there was an episode where they hold a school festival and one club/class/whatever holds the obligatory maid cafe? Nobody ever asked that question, but here is an answer anyway!“So, can we get two cups of coffee, or – ” Sylvain begins to say.“Shut your mouths and wait patiently,” Felix interjects, “I’m busy.”“Aren’t maids supposed to be, like… nicer or something?” Sylvain replies, although he still obediently follows Dimitri’s lead and sits down.“Not me,” Felix answers, with incredible indifference to his tone. “Apparently my personality is part of the selling point or something. Ask Ingrid, I don’t know.”“It would be strange interacting with you when you’re being overly polite anyway,” Dimitri says. “Almost uncomfortable, even.”“Well, paying for somebody to be mean to me isn’t my kink, personally, but clearly it’s somebody’s,” Sylvain says, nodding a few times. If either Dimitri or Felix are aware of the implication Sylvain has casually thrown out there, both of them ignore it; Sylvain has a feeling that their silence is instead indicative of ignorance.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 6
Kudos: 120





	no sugar, only cream

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to [my Dreamwidth](https://deplore.dreamwidth.org/). I don't remember what my state of mind was when writing this but I assume unhinged.

It’s a school tradition for several of the smaller sports clubs to hold a maid and butler café every year to raise money and make up for the lack of funds they get from the school proper. The twist, of course, is that the second year male club members are the maids and the third year female club members are the butlers – so when it’s Felix’s turn to put on the dress and serve drinks all afternoon, _of course_ Dimitri and Sylvain have to stop by.

Luckily for them, Felix is the staffer nearest to the door when they show up. He audibly groans and attempts to shuffle behind the ‘No Photos’ standing sign nearby, but doesn’t manage to escape in time.

“Felix,” Dimitri says, and smiles in that stupid-in-love way that he often does after saying Felix’s name. “We came by to get coffee, is that alright?”

“If I say no, will you leave?” Felix asks.

“Hey now, we’re just trying to help you guys raise some funds,” Sylvain replies, putting both his hands up in a way that’s meant to pacify and that he knows will not.

From an objective standpoint, Sylvain has to admit: Felix is charming in the maid’s outfit. It isn’t a scandalous dress – in fact, Felix is almost completely covered up. The collar is button-up and the skirt is cut not too far above Felix’s knees. He’s wearing what look like his usual long socks underneath, so the only skin being exposed are his arms. Even still, there’s something charming about the look on him, especially because of the cutesy bow he’s wearing in his usual ponytail – Sylvain suspects Mercedes gently coerced him into putting it on, because it looks like one she wears occasionally.

In light of that, Sylvain gets it – Felix is likely all the more embarrassed that the look becomes him and doesn’t want to be seen, especially by the people closest to him. But that’s part of why he bothered dragging Dimitri over in the first place: so they could both witness once-in-a-blue-moon type events, although he’s quite certain that the two of them will be experiencing two different kinds of personal events altogether.

Felix sighs heavily and shakes his head, but finally relents. “Fine, sit over there, then,” he says, pointing them to what is probably the worst spot in the entire room. The table and chairs are clearly cheap, plastic lawn tables and all of the pieces are slightly lopsided in various ways – but Dimitri and Sylvain walk over anyway.

“So, can we get two cups of coffee, or – ” Sylvain begins to say.

“Shut your mouths and wait patiently,” Felix interjects, “I’m busy.”

“Aren’t maids supposed to be, like… nicer or something?” Sylvain replies, although he still obediently follows Dimitri’s lead and sits down.

“Not me,” Felix answers, with incredible indifference to his tone. “Apparently my personality is part of the selling point or something. Ask Ingrid, I don’t know.”

“It would be strange interacting with you when you’re being overly polite anyway,” Dimitri says. “Almost uncomfortable, even.”

“Well, paying for somebody to be mean to me isn’t my kink, personally, but clearly it’s somebody’s,” Sylvain says, nodding a few times. If either Dimitri or Felix are aware of the implication Sylvain has casually thrown out there, both of them ignore it; Sylvain has a feeling that their silence is instead indicative of ignorance.

Just then, Ashe and Dedue walk in. Felix opts out of continuing to talk to Dimitri and Sylvain in favor of greeting them with a brief smile and sits them down at the nice table by the window. “The tea selection isn’t bad. Better than the coffee, anyway,” Felix says as he takes their orders. The room is small enough that Dimitri and Sylvain can’t really help but overhear the obvious preferential treatment, but both of them are well-conditioned to not mention it.

Instead, Sylvain watches Dimitri try to not blatantly ogle Felix’s legs. “I thought Felix didn’t like Dedue,” he says, mostly to see if casual conversation can distract Dimitri enough to make him take his eyes off the prize.

“I think they bonded over something or other after spending enough time with each other in Ashe’s company,” Dimitri replies. His gaze only strays from Felix’s calves to turn upwards to Felix’s waist, but then he blushes a little and returns back to below the hips. “Uh – food, I believe? Apparently, Felix is very good at picking out subtle differences in spicy flavors and was helping Dedue with a recipe… or something like that.”

“Sure, okay, I’ll buy that. Keep at it, champ, I don’t think that Felix has noticed you staring holes into his thighs yet,” Sylvain says, reaching over the table to clasp his hand to Dimitri’s shoulder briefly.

In response, Dimitri folds his hands over his nose and mouth and props his elbows up on the table, leaning in hard. The flimsy, cheap plastic table visibly quakes under his weight. “I want to take a picture,” he murmurs, “but if I do, and he finds out, I am… somewhat concerned that he’ll break my phone and I’ll lose the photo immediately.”

“I’m not going to say you should, because I don’t want Felix to kneecap me after he’s gone to town on you, but don’t you already go through about four to six phones per year on account of your freakish grip strength?” Sylvain points out.

Dimitri unsteeples his hands and sits up very straight. “You’re absolutely correct,” he says. “Also, I can upload it to the cloud right away. This can work.”

Sylvain doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Felix has already figured out Dimitri’s Dropbox login password. In fact, Felix has successfully guessed almost all of Dimitri’s important online account information by a combination of Dimitri having a very distinctive pattern to creating his passwords and Felix having a freakishly accurate intuition for what sentimental information Dimitri uses in that process. Sylvain is fairly certain that Felix could steal all the money out of Dimitri’s bank account if he really felt like it, and he’s not sure what it says that the level of access Dimitri gives Felix into his life is already well past the normal level for even a married couple.

“Better do it fast if you’re gonna do it at all,” Sylvain finally replies.

Quickly and decisively, Dimitri pulls out his smartphone and unlocks it. Sylvain pointedly looks away so that Felix will hopefully not drag him into the aftermath of the minor slaughtering he predicts is about to happen: if he doesn’t see Dimitri press the button, then he doesn’t know that it happened.

The camera going off makes a distinctive clicking noise that seems to echo in the room. Sylvain visibly winces and turns back to see Dimitri going pale. “Dude, what the fuck,” Sylvain says under his breath. “Just keep your phone on silent 24-7.”

“I forget where it is when I have it on silent, alright?” Dimitri replies. Sylvain has an intimate understanding of how Dimitri’s temper works on a ten-point scale: he goes from two to ten without any in between. What Sylvain just witnessed was a clear two – he decides to shut his mouth before he gets beaten up as a casual date activity.

Not that it matters much: Felix walks over slowly and calmly, which only makes it all the scarier. “Are you illiterate or just oblivious?” Felix asks, pointing to the ‘No Photos’ sign.

“Um, if I get to pick between the two? Then I can’t read,” Dimitri replies weakly.

“That was rhetorical,” Felix informs him, before ominously putting a hand on his hip and tapping his toe against the floor a few times.

 _I think I’ve seen a video on Pornhub that starts a lot like this but with a big titty maid wearing a skirt that didn’t cover her ass entirely_ , Sylvain thinks to himself. He decides to keep that tidbit to himself and look it up later to satisfy his intellectual curiosity.

Felix holds his hand out. “You can give me your phone or I can take it from you,” he announces.

Dimitri surrenders the phone. Felix leaves the room with it, presumably to go to the school’s highest floor so he can throw the phone three stories down and watch it literally crack just like how Dimitri just metaphorically did under pressure.

“Look on the bright side, buddy,” Sylvain says. “They just came out with a new iPhone model.”

“This has been an incredibly expensive cup of coffee,” Dimitri murmurs quietly. Sylvain could point out that they haven’t even been able to order yet, but he doesn’t want to feel like he’s kicking a man in the nuts when he’s already down on the ground.

Unexpectedly, though, Felix returns about ten minutes later with Dimitri’s phone still intact – and two coffees for good measure. “Don’t make me regret returning this to you,” he says as he passes over both the phone and the drinks.

“I apologize,” Dimitri replies. He looks torn between a mix of euphoric hope and significant self-loathing that Sylvain isn’t too sure how to deal with.

Felix, though, remains unflappable. “Don’t make any more trouble while you’re here,” he warns them before walking off again.

After Felix has started attending to another customer, Dimitri unlocks his phone. Sylvain watches in real time as he goes from sullen and broken to a brief but intense expression of surprise – then he blushes as he clutches his phone hard.

“Whoa there, try to not break your own phone after it escaped Felix’s tyranny,” Sylvain says, not thinking before he reaches over to grab Dimitri’s wrist to get him to relax his grip. In the process, Dimitri’s phone tilts just enough that Sylvain can see that Felix has replaced Dimitri’s indiscrete peep shot with a far more intimate one – and that there is a lot of bare thigh hiding underneath that skirt, among some other details that Sylvain would have preferred remained unbeknownst to him.

Sylvain lets go and automatically blurts out, “I saw nothing.”

Dimitri sighs.

“Okay, I saw something, but I’m trying to forget it now,” Sylvain amends.

“Thank you,” Dimitri says.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sylvain replies, “it’s not for you. I just don’t want Felix to murder me.”

 _Trust me, I didn’t_ want _to know that you two are probably going to be having some wild sex resulting in having to clean up awkward stains on the maid dress later_ , he thinks. As is usually the case when he is forced to third wheel his childhood friends’ relationship, he decides to keep that to himself.

“Instead of your smartphone, this cup of coffee has come at the price of me never being able to fap it to porn with sexy maids in it ever again,” he says instead.

“That’s a price I’m willing to pay,” Dimitri informs him, expression completely solemn and without any hint of malice.

Sylvain picks up his coffee and takes a drink without adding anything to it – he almost spits it back out because of how bitter it is. “Why do I get the feeling that this is what they call karma?” he murmurs. Then he completely disregards his terrible experience from just two seconds ago, and goes in for a second sip.


End file.
